(Unexpectedly) Starting Over in Life? Avoid this Agonizing Pitfall

(Unexpectedly) Starting Over in Life? Avoid this Agonizing Pitfall

Eliminate this time-and-energy waster…for greater peace & progress toward an inspiring new life chapter.

If for whatever reason you find yourself feeling, “Wow, it’s almost like I have to start my life over again”…

Know this: your new life chapter can be a good one.Even if you didn’t choose it or aren’t necessarily looking forward to it.

And know this: you are not alone. Others have been there. Or are even in the same boat as you, right now. I have been there.

Everyone who’s been there “gets it.” They understand the pain, sense of loss, potential shame, loneliness &/or mental strain of “change overload.” Or simply the fatiguing logistical demands of a “starting over” type life season.

A starting-over season could be for many reasons: death of a spouse, parent, sibling, child, other family member or close friend; divorce; disability; acute or chronic health issue; financial setback; loss of job, income or home; or any major hardship.

To ease your way forward in any way possible, I share this common pitfall to avoid.

As you’re able, don’t drag around the greatest challenge you’ve endured. Let it go.

On the one hand, apologies if this sounds cliché.

On the other hand, the truth is – cliché sounding or not – avoiding this pitfall is core to moving forward gracefully and efficiently.

It’s easier to say than to do. But it warrants a mention. So you can segue through any current “negatives” as quickly as possible. Pivot with self-honoring discipline toward a fruitful chapter. And get there.

But, how exactly to let that challenge go?

Looking briefly at the big picture, an inspiring new life chapter balances 3 things well:

1. Healthy anchors from your past
2. A vision for your future
3. The upside for change…available only in your present :)

Esteem the healthy anchors from your past.

If you’ve recently experienced / are currently in a season where you feel your life is “starting over” – but frankly it’s not what you would have preferred – you’ve likely been through your fair share of self-examination.

• Why did XYZ happen?
• Could things have gone differently?
• Did I have a role in that?
• How do I make sense of it?
• Have I forgiven all involved?
• How do I ensure this doesn’t happen again?
• How can I have peace to move forward?

That process may involve counseling or therapy, talking with friends or family, praying to God, journaling, taking time off / away if possible, reading helpful resources &/or the Bible, and so on.

After gleaning some clarity on those key questions, it’s just SO helpful to avoid that agonizing pitfall.

Again, don’t drag around the greatest challenge you’ve endured. Let it go.

Let it go. Don’t let it define you. Don’t let it cling on to you. Don’t let it become a “lens” through which you view your life. It’s not your identity. It’s not your life story. It’s not your future.

Instead, flip that lens and ask: what positive things from my past can I value?

Blessings, good memories, loving relationships, successes, humor, music, meaningful mementos, pictures, letters, etc. How can you selectively “curate” your past?

• Keep those.
• Rehearse those.
• Cherish those.

It’s good to appreciate healthy anchors from your past. They’ll bring stability and joy while you re-establish your life.

Am not advocating denial. Keep the joy and the wisdom gleaned. But re the rest, just let it go. Don’t rehash it. Let it go.

At some point, it’s most helpful, most healthy, and most loving of ourselves and others to not drag around behind us the greatest challenge we’ve endured.

Where we fix our minds is KEY.

This Philippians verse calls out the things on which we should “fix” our mind. It’s a good reminder:

“…whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things [fix your minds on them].” Philippians 4:8 Amplified Edition, Classic Edition

Where we “fix our minds” is a critical factor in salvaging good from our past, but not pain. Because the enemy of our soul tries to attack our minds – especially regarding the past. E.g., prior situations linked to pain, fear, intimidation, failure, weakness, shame, confusion, etc.

As we choose to discipline our minds and think on “honorable…pure…lovely…kind…gracious” things, it helps keep the door closed to the enemy’s voice. Joyce Meyer‘s book “Battlefield of the Mind: Winning the Battle in Your Mind” is an extremely helpful resource on this.

But…what ELSE can help you not drag around the greatest challenge you’ve endured?

1. A vision for your future

What would an inspiring new life chapter look like for you? Borrowing from Marie Kondo, what would “spark joy”?

• What geography?
• Type of home?
• Proximity to loved ones?
• Access to travel?
• Type of work?
• Volunteer opportunities?

A vision for your future can help PULL you through the “starting over” phase…INTO the “inspiring life chapter” phase.

It can buoy, motivate, focus & guide you. It’s good to dream.

2. The upside for change, available only in your present :)

If you feel like you’re starting over in life (and didn’t necessarily want to be), living in the present may not feel chock full of joy at first.

• Perhaps the people, places, things &/or opportunities you most value are no longer around.
• You may feel extremely disoriented. Or still be grieving.
• You may be alone. Feel inadequate. Or simply feel lost.

“Starting over” can indeed be hard.

So…we do the best we can. We show up. Make the best living, working, relational and practical choices at the time. We pray. Keep going. Sometimes fake a good attitude when needed. We’ve all been there, at times.

It doesn’t help to minimize pain or loss (my view.) But, here is the upside: there IS an upside.

Literally, only in the present can we make good decisions that can build an inspiring new life chapter. Decisions are only made in a moment-by-moment “present” timeframe.

And here’s the bonus: the present is where we always are.  J   So we carry that upside with us, 24/7/365.

Bottom line: it’s our daily decisions in the present that unlock the momentum and joy we want. And help craft our inspiring new life chapter.